I am not yet whole. And I don’t fit.
It’s been 43.7 years and I’m always wondering if I actually fit in the shoes Hoka made for me and my “dadbod”. When I was diagnosed, in 3rd grade, I was allowed to be fallible. In my adult life, there’s a new process for me to become both responsible and vulnerable.
All stakes seem high in my fatherhood. Every hour is important, especially when they’re at school and I can work. I feel each time that an ADHD symptom turns into a fault, publicly, I just get diagnosed again. My stomach pours itself this cocktail of shame, self-mistrust, and resentment of the people who created the environment. Then it’s topped off with a cherry of miscommunication.
Through time, there are tools that validate and stick. I’ve learned that ADHD is partially my fault that I don’t see the big picture, and also partially my fault for not trying to find the big picture once I see the problem exists. Now, I didn’t choose to be ADHD, yet I do choose to live with it.
Evan Kirstein