ADHD is part of the relationship, not just one partner’s issue. Couples can shift the dynamic by working together so both feel heard and valued, rather than working against each other.
When ADHD is present in a relationship, it is not just the experience of the partner who has the diagnosis. It becomes part of the couple’s shared dynamic. Many couples find themselves in cycles of misunderstanding, where one partner feels unheard or neglected while the other feels constantly criticised. Over time, this can create a parent- child dynamic in which one partner becomes the responsible figure and the other feels like the messy or difficult one. This dynamic often builds resentment on both sides.
Therapy helps shift this imbalance. Rather than focusing on fault, we look at how ADHD shows up in the relationship and how both partners can respond differently. The goal is to create a relationship that feels equal and respectful, where the needs of each partner are taken seriously. Both partners need to do the work, not just the one with ADHD.
A practical part of this process is learning to choose battles wisely. For example, if one partner wants undivided attention every evening at the dinner table, that may not be realistic, for many reasons. Instead, they might agree to talk in shorter, focused check-ins at times when attention is easier to sustain.
Emotional regulation is another area that often needs attention. People with ADHD can experience emotions more intensely and may react quickly to feelings of rejection, anger, or overwhelm. These strong reactions can be confusing for partners who do not fully understand ADHD, and they can lead to repeated arguments or withdrawal. Learning to slow down, name emotions openly, and create strategies for calming down helps couples step out of reactive cycles. When both partners recognise how emotional intensity shows up and work together on de-escalation, it becomes possible to move from conflict toward understanding.
It is also important to keep in mind the strengths that ADHD can bring, including energy, creativity, and spontaneity. When couples learn to integrate these positives while addressing the challenges, they often find a renewed sense of connection. The aim is not to fix one partner but to build a partnership where differences are understood and negotiated fairly.
In short, ADHD shapes the relationship, but it does not have to define it.
With open communication, equal responsibility, and a willingness to adapt, couples can move from patterns of resentment toward a relationship that feels more balanced, respectful, and fulfilling for both.
About the Author
Elena Miari is a London based relationship therapist and existential psychotherapist, and director of Heathwell Therapies. With couples, she specialises in communication and relationship challenges in neurodiverse partnerships, life transitions and infidelity recovery.